Birthdays

Today is Emi's birthday. She is one of the girls I have become closest with, and I could see that she depended on me to make her birthday special. For the month leading up to her birthday she reminded me almost everyday. And as it got closer, she asked me what would we do. Would we see a movie? Could we go out to eat? Could we have a party with the girls.

It broke my heart that all I could tell her was "we'll see" because, no matter how close I am with her, it would be unfair to give her something I couldn't give the rest of the girls on their birthdays.

I settled on taking her to a local store and having her pick out something to eat. Then we watched a movie later on my laptop. There's so much more I wanted to give her though. It upsets me I cannot give her more. It upsets me she doesn't have the figures in her life who, in "normal" circumstances, would give her more.

With Emi, as a girl who was abandoned by her father at a young age, and later by her mother who left the country, I couldn't even think of what to talk about. The normal birthday topics of "favorite birthday" and "best gift" I found inappropriate. Maybe they're not, but I was afraid of bringing up a sad memory on her birthday.

I'm still trying to figure out my place here.