The Balancing Act

It's been a balancing game. The pequenos I work with are all 16 or older. Just like any teenagers, they don't need someone to constantly watch over them. They don't necessarily want non-stop activities to do, but are content with just sitting on the patio with their friends or watching TV. They don't need someone to tell them to do their chores, or to help them eat, or tell them where to go. They're too cool to go on field trips, to participate in group activities, to pray before the daily dinner prayer.

I feel like a mom who's not sure how to deal with her daughter or son's growing independence. Too afraid to push too hard so they end up pushing away from me. Too afraid to do something that will make me "uncool" in their eyes. Unsure of how to be there for them, if they need me at all.

But I can also relate to them so much. Many of these kids are right around my age. It really wasn't too long ago when I was caught up in the gossip of high school (or even college), when I was unsure of who I was or what I wanted to be and what that meant. Or when my mood was affected by whether Sally was hanging out with me or preferred her other friend Jane.

I find it hard to separate myself from them. When the pequenos are being reprimanded, I sometimes find myself bowing my head down in shame. When the kids are given instructions, or a director starts to lead a group, I follow along like one of them, forgetting that I have been given the position of their mentor, their leader, their activities organizer.

I'm having to "grow up" here in a whole new way that I didn't know. I thought I had matured, that I could place myself in the "adult" generation. But I find myself getting caught up in that high school mentality. The one where it matters about being cool, about being good at what you do, and looking good. For the first time, I need to be aware of all of my actions, because the kids pick up on it. If I look bored, they ask me why I find whatever activity boring. If I yawn, the kids ask me why I didn't get enough sleep. I need to be enthused, involved, and aware at all times. I'm not used to be an example. I'm not used to being responsible for how my actions affect others.

Now I'm the adult.

Whether I'm ready or not, I'm going to have to grow up a little. I'm here to be their friend, but not in that buddy buddy kind of way. It's like, as a mother, balancing a disciplinary role and listening ear role.

How long will it take to learn to balance the scale?