The Roller Coaster

One month anniversary of no posts.

The reason for my prolonged absence is not that I was too busy to write or that a month has passed with no thought has crossing my mind. Instead, in this roller coaster of being a volunteer, the reason for my absence has been due to a seemingly, semi-permanent low. In late-February/early-March, after a couple weeks of frustrations with my kids, discovering more details about the past of some of the children, and a lot of negative energy on my part, the downhill of the roller coaster ride came to a halt in a valley where my cart refused to go back up the hill.

I spent March and the beginning of April dealing with a variety of (mostly negative) emotions. While I had the occasional touching pass-through-an-obstacle-with-a-disadvantaged-child-moment as I have experienced since coming to NPH, my attitude about being here turned worse for the wear. With my masters program on the horizon, I became impatient to go home where look for housing and register for classes in the same time zone and with a working cell phone. With visits from home and chats with old friends, I wanted to return to the familiarity and ease of American culture. With water shortages, cockroaches, and declining security in Mexico, I wanted the safety of my home.

I became distanced from my work. In one way, that was easier. The less time I spent with the kids, the less time their heartaches preoccupied my mind. The less time I spent talking with my girls, the bond I created with them became weaker making it easier for me to leave in July. I fooled myself into believing that I had learned all there was to learn about being a volunteer at NPH, and all that was left for me to do was tie up some strings and go home.

I don't know when it hit me, or when the clouds started to clear away, but finally, after a month-and-a-half of stormy weather, I have started to commit myself with as much of my heart as my mind.

Here's to the last two-and-a-half months.